im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
Randomize
