4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
No it was after you showed us his fraternaty letters shaven out of your pubes
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
I BLEED THE BLOOD OF MY ANCESTORS WHO FOUGHT SO BRAVELY FOR MY FREEDOM
cool u want pads or tampons
tampons please
I did not marry a roomba.
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