btw, but what hole was i in last night? wanna know if i have to worry
a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
Randomize
