Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
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