No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.
it's a Wednesday?
:)
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
Randomize
