the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
That is correct. I did in fact somehow pass out in the tanning booth for over an hour. And yes the attendant did have to open it up and shake me awake.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
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