If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
It's difficult to focus on bonds when you know your classmate peed in your mouth
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