My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
That girl would be way hotter if she changed her face.
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
he was cumming and all I could think about was the pathway of sperm the in penis. thanks a lot nursing
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
Randomize
