I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
Randomize
