i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
I apparently made a "health and fitness" subcatagory called "drugs" on mint at some point. I used it to catagorize all of my nyc atm withdrawls for $60 haha
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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