After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
Alcohol and IMDB don't always mix with 100% accuracy
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
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