: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
Status Uddate: I lost half a tooth and Alison is taking Amy Grant requests via bullhorn
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
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