When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Randomize
