I may not go down in history, but i will definitely go down on your little sister.
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
Rub youre cunt and tell me you love me.
Your incorrect use of you're doesn't arouse me in the slightest.
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
Randomize
