when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
Should I text him? Life is confusing when you actually like someone instead of just wanting to blow them.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
No...this little piggys going to the bar
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
Randomize
