I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
Girls only wine night turned into a sloppy drunk lesbian orgy again
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
Randomize
