Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
Threesome in a minivan. New low
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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