I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
Randomize
