I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
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if i remember New Year's Eve then there is something seriously wrong.
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
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JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
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