My sheets look like a crime scene.
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
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