Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
Randomize
