new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
She called herself a train and then took off all her clothing. I forget everything after that.
I saw you two flinging Jello at the sidewalk if that helps jog your memory.
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
Is this like a preordered booty call?
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it ðŸ˜
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
Randomize
