I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
Pants 0. Shit 1.
Without porn, I would have few hobbies.
Be honest with Daniel. He was a good rebound to you for nine months and he made it so you could be with the one you really love and care for now. Just tell him thanks and best of luck.
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
I'm 50% weirded out and 50% into it
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
Randomize
