i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
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