who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
i'm at the gym and so are four guys who have seen my tits. i need winter break.
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
Currently at a fetish club with a set of swings (don't ask). Having flashbacks to the park by my house
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
Randomize
