Michael Bay diarrhea
Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
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