It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
Randomize
