Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
23 Roommates Share Secrets Their Roomie Thinks They Don’t Know
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
29 Cringeworthy Situations People Realized They Shouldn’t Be In
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
we just smoked for like ten hours and got froyo. not a bad start to the weekend.