Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
She thought that based on the way she feels that she got drugged last night, but come on, her turn on word is hello, who needs to drug that??
I just want school to he over so we can build a big tent, do drugs inside it, and watch cartoons until the sun comes up.
That's all I've ever wanted.
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.