I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
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