And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
No offense but you kinda look like a Jack Johnson fan in that pic
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
You need a sexual gate keeper
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Randomize
