When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
We are going out Saturday. Oh and we might also be jousting on bikes.
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
