you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
so we have officially lost him as of 7 hours ago.. already called campus security, the drunk tank and the hospital. figure he'll turn up eventually..
i'll start checking the bushes on campus.
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
Randomize
