Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
I booty called her while she was in labor.
Mixed review. I fucked her in the river, but then we were assaulted by ducks.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
Are sex swings allowed in dorms
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
I have one goal now that I am in the USA. To find a man I can fuck into marriage before my visa runs out.
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
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