I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
Randomize
