dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
just in the smoking shack with my sister cheering on a caterpillar make its cocoon
I've finally done it, I've downloaded some messenger lesbians like to use because some girl wanted to flirt.
Congrats, you're all grown up now.
I FEEL LIKE A GAY BUTTERFLY
Yes. Ice cream tacos are an important aspect in the bridge of friendship
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
Randomize
