I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
When we ran out of red solo cups we switched to Starbucks cups for beer pong... Who doesn't want to live in Seattle?
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
Yep just saw a license plate that read "taint 2" which implies there is a "taint 1". Only in Florida
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
Randomize
