Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
Also, just saw a kid in a gorilla costume being questioned by a boardwalk cop. I love ocean city.
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
if you were broke and planning on using koolaid as a tequila chaser which flavor would you pick?
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
Randomize
