I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
i walked into the party and i guess everyone knew because they began to chant "ass to mouth"
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
Randomize
