I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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