So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
im pretty sure all they do is fuck. and talk in baby talk. its two babys fucking basically.
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
Randomize
