theres a middle aged lesbian couple holding hands on the bus and a 17 or 18 year old christian girl visibly staring freaked out and audibly praying about it
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
i lost his rear view mirror, your phone charger, and my lesbian virginity. 21 isn't shaping up too well so far.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
I thought that u needed a break due the fact that your nipples were bleeding
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
Our motto for the night: BLACK OUT OR BACK OUT.
That's our motto every night.
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
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