I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
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