It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
Then James put his arms through the window and grabbed him, like he was Robocop. A nerdy, portly Robocop.
Who is this?
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
