just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
No, I don't think your idea of offering shots in exchange for bonus points to your history professor at B-Dubs was a good idea. Especially after you later told him that you would "tap that" in regards to his wife.
Although I commend your efforts to keep my penis away from her, your sister is now booty walking up my stairs. Good game though, good game.
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
Randomize
