Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
Thats the last thing I remember and then I woke up in this Dutch kids dorm and he was taking a picture of me while I was sleeping
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
How do I respond to this?! It's not easy to say "you're hot & the sex was good, but outside the bedroom you scare me"
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
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