I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
What should I list for life skills
How about home wrecking? You’re excellent at that
Hmm...that is a life skill in Southern California
Randomize
