Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
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and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
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Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
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