i would give spencer pratt a bj just so i could bite his dick off
he'd just find a way to get more famous from being a eunich.
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
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I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
Just pull your dick out and wink at her, its a game changing play
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
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I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
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