Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
Randomize
