Me. At least after what I've been through.
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
okay serious question, the water is shut off in your house, do you attempt and use the clean toilet water for your new bong?
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
Here’s Everything Coming To Netflix This July
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
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I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing