youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
yea, their son has been arrested on more than one occassion, their daughter is pregnant and their other daughter graduated but she was adopted, so clearly genes are everything.
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
If I'm going to keep blacking out this much I need to start taking more pictures.
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
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