Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
Is it wrong that im more embaressed about the karoke than the toplessness?
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
Randomize
