You hurt me so bad and it feels so good
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
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