I wish my penis had an off switch
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
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