he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
just bought a $25 eighth from a chick who has a kid. i'm helping my community out right?
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
Randomize
