Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
i yelled out "tuesday" during orgasim. he fucked me into 2 days from now.
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
Plus he stuck it in when you were sleeping which would have been the tipping point for me but you art school kids are all liberal and shit
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
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