she said "feliz nobby job" then proceeded to give me a blowjob.
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
i want to shrink myself down to penis size, climb inside of her pussy and just live there for a few months.
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
Randomize
