he called me a worthless slut and then went 2 the bathroom 2 pee on the floor before leavin. but he was really hot and he left his jacket, should i call him?
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
I just remember getting him back by licking the window on his truck.
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
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