Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
they call him Oral-B. enough said
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
Randomize
