from now on my penis is your penis
Damn. That makes sense
I know im like the sherlok holmes of sexual problems
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
Randomize
